Good morning lovelies! It’s 6:48 am and I am sitting here scrolling through my Facebook feed, and as I see all the things my friends and family are doing, I begin to feel jealous, insecure and just generally low. I was so confused as to why. My life at this moment is pretty amazing, and I’m feeling pretty blessed. So I sat there feeling sad and crappy, staring at a wall, fully ready to let myself submerge in this feeling when I saw her. There she was: my shadow. She was jumping up and down, screaming, crying and throwing things. She was telling me how stupid I was and why did I let this happen. I should have just kept to myself. I already know people will hurt us so why did I put myself in the place where that happens. She was telling me that all of the revelations over the past few weeks were bullshit, that I was a fake and a liar. It was then that I realized what was happening, life was going too well which meant the bad was coming – because that is what I always do. I bring the bad every time. I realized something though: what she was saying wasn’t really what she wanted to say. So I sat and began to really listen to her until I heard her real truth. “I’m scared, it hurts, I’m tired. I don’t want to be hurt anymore, please take this weight, please it’s crushing me. I can’t carry this anymore, I want all these things. The love the friendship, safety, comfort, peace. Please, please, please tell me it’s real, tell me we can have that. “
It hit me so hard I felt as if I was about to fall out of my chair. But I stayed in my chair, staring at her, both of us crying. Me for treating her like an outsider and adding to her pain for so long. I had hurt her so much. I kept placing stones on her and telling her all the things that broke her. I shoved her away in a corner and told her that it was the only place she would ever belong. Then when I was really hurting I pulled her out and used her as my whipping post. She had so many cuts and bruises and I saw my name on so many of them. I caused myself more pain than anyone else ever could. For me this was the biggest revelation: I caused my pain. So I did the only thing I could think to do, I told her I was so so sorry and that I was going to heal every one of those fresh cuts old wounds and scars no matter how long it took. I opened my arms and allowed her to collapse into them. Holding her, I let her release so much pain. We by no means healed it all but we started the journey. Now we are talking and I am bandaging her little by little.
Others can add to our shadow for sure but at the end of the day, we build it the most. Every time we shove away the parts of ourselves we don’t like or don’t think fit, we grow it bigger. This means we are the only ones who can heal it. How the hell do we do that? you may be wondering…I know I am.
There was one little phrase I was taught a little while ago and I have struggled with it ever since but it is vital to this process of shadow healing. It goes like this…I AM ENOUGH!!!! Three small words but they are so so powerful, yet so hard to believe and accept.
So now where do we go? Well, the truth is I wrote this to heal myself. I don’t want to hide her anymore I want to bring her back home in me. I am starting a dialogue with my shadow and for the rest of summer everyday, I will work on her. I am going to post a shadow journal prompt, on facebook, Instagram and this blog. I will share a piece of my journey with each prompt (feel free to do the same). Writing is the most healing for me but that does not mean it will work for you, so feel free to use any medium whether it be art, music, gardening, videos – whatever will allow you to express and integrate your shadow.
Thank you for listening
Love and light Morrigan