For months I have been trying to write a blog, and no matter what I do I am stunted, distracted, lost and confused. Writing has been my solace for as long as I can remember–it was the one thing I never fucked up. A running theme in my blog is being okay where you’re at, being okay with imperfections, setting yourself free from past mistakes, and engaging in shadow work. After completing some shadow work, I found myself thinking I had figured stuff out and had fixed all the issues. Massive eye roll. I literally did the bare minimum that would change just enough that people could see it on a surface level. It was such crap, ’cause internally, not a whole heck of a lot had changed. The perpetual mask I wore was shiny and new, and all the old shadows were still hiding underneath. I have always been gifted at making people feel super close to me, like they knew so much about me that no one else knew. I have this ability to make people feel special like that. My family would laugh because they knew it was a facade.
I do not allow people to get close, and never have. I was hurt enough times, so I said “fuck it”, and shut the door to my heart. My daughter is the only person who has ever been able to see the inside of my heart. Scariest thing I have ever encountered. That level of vulnerability was like my own personal hell. I had to accept that she got the truth because she was a piece of me, but everyone else still gets the mask and that’s it. Don’t ask for anything more. Every time someone started getting too close… bam! out the door I’d go. I can ghost so fast you wonder if I was ever in your life to begin with.
The last two years has brought opportunities for me to face the worst lessons life could teach me. I was forced to really look at what I was doing and how it was fucking up my life. No one could ever get soul-level close. Even those friends I kept close couldn’t get to my soul. I have a whole twin flame (side note: platonic thing, soulmates are the romantic ones) who knows me better than any other person on this planet and I wouldn’t open my soul even to her.
In 2019, some huge transformations took place underneath my many masks. It was uncomfortable, and I hated it, and I rolled with it. Slowly but surely, my life began to shift. Despite the changes that were happening, I fought tooth and nail to stay the same, to keep myself protected. To keep the shadows hidden. When 2020 rolled around, I went full tilt into the deep end. I moved somewhere new, surrounded by a community of people who accepted me authentically, and would settle for nothing less than the authentic me. I have never wanted to run away from anything more in my life. The discomfort was enough to make me willing to look at my best friend of 12 years and say, “Peace. Never talk to me again, but I can’t do this. It’s killing me.” I literally felt like I was dying. Many parts of me were dying.
My whole foundation had been shaken to its core and I was using anything I could to stop the changes that were happening. Then I met this incredible woman and she offered me this beautiful gift of shadow work. I thought I had already done shadow work. I thought I knew what it was. Boy, was I wrong. She pulled things from my soul I hadn’t even admitted were there–the deepest roots of the pain and fear that held me back. I had never been more vulnerable with a person then I was with her. Once it was over, lord did I want to be as far away from her as possible. I was so raw and exposed and that was unacceptable. My ago screamed, I DON’T DO THAT SHIT, PEOPLE DO NOT GET TO SEE THAT SHIT. That was the one rule I carried my whole life, no one gets to see the real me. If no one sees the real me, no one can hurt me.
Something had shifted though, a weird sense of peace invaded my body. I felt truly at one with myself. I felt like I could be 100% me even if no one else understood. I stopped understanding how to be this other person I had been. The desire to run was still there, and I was able to accept it, acknowledge it for how it was trying to protect me, and then let it know we were okay so it could rest.
Every day since then has been better and better. Little by little, I am stepping more and more into the power and purpose of who I really am. I am experiencing true freedom. My relationships are deeper and stronger than they have ever been. Doors and windows are blowing open in ways I could have only dreamed. Every day I work at my shadow and the parts that need to heal, allowing my soul to take more and more power. As hard as some moments can be it is so so worth it.
Anyone out there right now struggling with being the real YOU and letting go of the walls and facades you’ve built… please, do it. The transformation will be like nothing else. It’s gonna feel like you are dying, and yes, staying as you are is much easier and feels safer, but the life that waits for you beyond the prison you’ve built for yourself is beyond magic.
Thank you all for reading!
As always, in Love and Light,