Authenticity the Ups and Downs

  

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For months I have been trying to write a blog, and no matter what I do I am stunted, distracted, lost and confused. Writing has been my solace for as long as I can remember–it was the one thing I never fucked up. A running theme in my blog is being okay where you’re at, being okay with imperfections, setting yourself free from past mistakes, and engaging in shadow work.  After completing some shadow work, I found myself thinking I had figured stuff out and had fixed all the issues. Massive eye roll.  I literally did the bare minimum that would change just enough that people could see it on a surface level.  It was such crap, ’cause internally, not a whole heck of a lot had changed. The perpetual mask I wore was shiny and new, and all the old shadows were still hiding underneath. I have always been gifted at making people feel super close to me, like they knew so much about me that no one else knew. I have this ability to make people feel special like that.  My family would laugh because they knew it was a facade. 

    I do not allow people to get close, and never have. I was hurt enough times, so I said “fuck it”, and shut the door to my heart. My daughter is the only person who has ever been able to see the inside of my heart. Scariest thing I have ever encountered. That level of vulnerability was like my own personal hell.  I had to accept that she got the truth because she was a piece of me, but everyone else still gets the mask and that’s it. Don’t ask for anything more. Every time someone started getting too close… bam! out the door I’d go.  I can ghost so fast you wonder if I was ever in your life to begin with.  

 

The last two years has brought opportunities for me to face the worst lessons life could teach me. I was forced to really look at what I was doing and how it was fucking up my life. No one could ever get soul-level close. Even those friends I kept close couldn’t get to my soul.  I have a whole twin flame (side note: platonic thing, soulmates are the romantic ones) who knows me better than any other person on this planet and I wouldn’t open my soul even to her. 

 

In 2019, some huge transformations took place underneath my many masks.  It was uncomfortable, and I hated it, and I rolled with it. Slowly but surely, my life began to shift.  Despite the changes that were happening, I fought tooth and nail to stay the same, to keep myself protected. To keep the shadows hidden. When 2020 rolled around, I went full tilt into the deep end. I moved somewhere new, surrounded by a community of people who accepted me authentically, and would settle for nothing less than the authentic me. I have never wanted to run away from anything more in my life. The discomfort was enough to make me willing to look at my best friend of 12 years and say, “Peace. Never talk to me again, but I can’t do this. It’s killing me.”  I literally felt like I was dying. Many parts of me were dying.  

 

My whole foundation had been shaken to its core and I was using anything I could to stop the changes that were happening. Then I met this incredible woman and she offered me this beautiful gift of shadow work. I thought I had already done shadow work.  I thought I knew what it was. Boy, was I wrong. She pulled things from my soul I hadn’t even admitted were there–the deepest roots of the pain and fear that held me back. I had never been more vulnerable with a person then I was with her. Once it was over, lord did I want to be as far away from her as possible. I was so raw and exposed and that was unacceptable. My ago screamed, I DON’T DO THAT SHIT, PEOPLE DO NOT GET TO SEE THAT SHIT. That was the one rule I carried my whole life, no one gets to see the real me.  If no one sees the real me, no one can hurt me.

    Something had shifted though, a weird sense of peace invaded my body. I felt truly at one with myself. I felt like I could be 100% me even if no one else understood. I stopped understanding how to be this other person I had been. The desire to run was still there, and I was able to accept it, acknowledge it for how it was trying to protect me, and then let it know we were okay so it could rest. 

 

Every day since then has been better and better. Little by little, I am stepping more and more into the power and purpose of who I really am. I am experiencing true freedom. My relationships are deeper and stronger than they have ever been. Doors and windows are blowing open in ways I could have only dreamed. Every day I work at my shadow and the parts that need to heal, allowing my soul to take more and more power. As hard as some moments can be it is so so worth it. 

 

Anyone out there right now struggling with being the real YOU and letting go of the walls and facades you’ve built… please, do it. The transformation will be like nothing else. It’s gonna feel like you are dying, and yes, staying as you are is much easier and feels safer, but the life that waits for you beyond the prison you’ve built for yourself is beyond magic. 

 

Thank you all for reading! 

As always, in Love and Light, 

Morrigan 

 

Why not me?

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Hello lovelies, it’s been awhile since I’ve written anything. I’ve been pretty sick, and caught up with a bunch of other things in life but, hey how are all of you? I’ve missed my blogs. I’m very much an all or nothing type of person, which tends to cause me issues because I can get too wrapped up in things and lose sight of others. For example, I’m embarking on a new phase of life and decided I had to clear everything from my past that was holding me back at one time. That was not smart, I’ve been sick for over a month and have had to rework my goals. I have learned a major lesson though and it’s one I want to share. I lived a good chunk of my life a slave to my past. It was my identity, in the last year I have worked really hard and made massive progress. The woman I am becoming is one badass spiritual powerhouse. That being said, the road has not been smooth by any means and I have had back slide moments. The lesson I learned was why not me? 

    Through this journey I have had experiences and encounters and with every single one I doubted myself. DId i make this up, is it really real, is this just an ego thing? A very dear friend of mine said something to me that didn’t really click for me until recently, why not you? I kinda nodded and said, “yeah yeah okay”, but then a friend of mine completely changed her stance on something, that in a million years, I never thought she would. I stopped and looked at my life and said, “yeah why not me?” Too many times with this spiritual journey we feel we have to be worthy enough to have this deity with us or to do this thing and that is just not true. You are worthy, just by virtue of being you. Your journey is beautiful and unique and will never look like anyone else’s. No matter what it is you want to do or try, go for it. 

Another lovely friend reminded me that everything is for us. When I say that I mean spiritual practice wise. There may be things you feel drawn to more strongly than others but there is no practice you can’t master if you want to. 

So whatever spirit presents you, look at and decide if it is for you and, if so, embrace it. That is another very important lesson, YOU ARE IN CONTROL… This is your journey, no one can tell you what it should or shouldn’t look like, or who you should or shouldn’t work with, that is up to you and your higher self. Just because one deity or guide shows interest in you, does not mean you have to work with them that is your choice. 

Set your boundaries and live by your truth. Yes, there will be set backs and moments of doubt or struggle, see them for the lesson they are and keep going. We all have a purpose in this world and it’s time for us to embrace it and no longer live in the shadow of the past. 

 

Thank you all for listening and I hope this helps some of you!!

Love and Light, Morrigan!!!

6 Ways to ease your spiritual journey!!

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Hello lovelies, hope your doing well. I know its been a while since I last blogged, life has been testing me. Just when I think I have a handle on things another curve ball, awakening or planetary shift happens throwing everything out of whack. It’s caused me to realize a few very important things I wanted to share. I have talked a lot about, being authentic, healing your shadow, and taking ownership for your life and the things that happen in it. How is that achieved though? Here are 6 ways that helped me. 

 

 

  • Go with the flow: Control is something I have clung to my whole life, I always found someway to control everything around me and it ended up causing a lot of pain and suffering. I would try to control things to the point of smothering them. When embarking on the journey of spiritual awakeness you have to be fluid and flowing. Sometimes there will be parts of this journey you can control and sometimes there will be parts you can’t. Embrace those times because I have found those are the times when the most amazing growth happens. 
  • Do what brings you joy: Doing what is societally expected of us instead of what brings us joy has been programmed into us since birth. The expectation that we go to school get a good job and have a nice family is presented to us at every turn. Although we are slowly moving away from that, I cannot emphasise how important it is that you do what brings you joy. Especially if your trying to grow spiritually, chase the things that catch your attention. Wherever possible focus your time on what you want to be doing. If not life will seem like an endless struggle or battle. The reason being your fighting your higher self. Now I realize a lot of your are thinking that sounds great in theory but I have bills to pay and I need to eat. Yes I agree but if everyday you dedicate a little of your time to doing what brings you joy, you will find more opportunities pop up to allow you to do just that. Before you know it your whole life will be doing things that bring you joy. 
  • Be very intentional about your community: In life there will always be times where we cannot choose 100% who is in our outer community. That being said our inner community is totally our design … be very smart about who you allow inside there. We all have a path we are on and some people step into our path to teach us a lesson and then it’s time for them to leave. Let them go because holding on could derail you or bring you down. The people you keep in your inner circle are the people who will be apart of what you reflect back out. If they pour toxicity into you, you will pour that back out. 
  • Learn to love them all:  I just touched on how important your inner community is to your growth, that being said, learning to see the core source love that exists in every person is the hardest and most essential lesson of all. We all come from the same place and we need to remember that. Learning to love everyone truly love them despite their flaws is what will really heal this world. There will be times when you have to show that love from a distance but in the end unconditional integrated love is key. 
  • Titles are not everything:  We as a society put a lot of emphasis on titles but they are really not all that important. Learning to let go of our need for titles will allow us to become more equal and love each other on a deeper level. It brings unity and harmony. 
  • The final thought: The journey is never over and we are constantly on this road of learning, Don’t worry too much about where your going, what really matters is what you learn while you go there. Take your time and appreciate very experienced you are given. 

 

 

As always thank you all so much for listening I hope this helps!!

Love and Light Morrigan

Shadow Work: When the dam breaks

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Hello, lovelies. Last night around 11:33 pm I was hit by a wave of sadness. I couldn’t stop crying and it felt like the pain in my heart would never heal. Now I was very confused as to where all this came from and why I was in so much pain. I sat there crying trying so hard to figure out what was going on. When a very wonderful friend reminded me I had been doing shadow work. I very clearly had been asking the universe for healing and it all clicked. I had experienced a healing dam break.

This is not something I touched on in any of my posts about shadow work, the truth was I didn’t even really think about it until it happened to me. What is a healing dam break? Basically, it’s when your soul releases all the things you have been healing with your shadow work in one giant wave. All the things I had worked out during my shadow work were now being fully cleared out of me. It was awful, it’s been a long time since I had been desperate for something to stop. Again that wonderful friend said to me as the walls feel the little people build little walls to make sure everything doesn’t get flooded. She was so right. It feels like the pain was flowing in an irrigation system that was growing everything around me. My pain was transformed into beauty.

When the tears finally stopped it felt like a 1000 years of hell had been cleared out of me. I felt lighter and freer then I had in years. I woke up this morning with a renewed purpose in my path and lightness that propelled me forward. This is not how it may work for all of you. Each one of us grieves in different ways, but know that a time of grieving will come. When it does be gentle and loving with yourself. Allow yourself the time to grieve and reach out to those around you who can help ease this process. With grieving comes freedom.

Affirmation: I am healing.

As always thanks for listening

Love and light Morrigan.

Shadow Work day 8

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Hello, lovelies. I hope you’re doing well today. Question are you a friend or a foe disguised as a friend? This comes from the Teal Swan video titled just that. In it, she talks about how people live for the role of shadow exposure in someone else’s life. She goes into depth what actually drives people to do this.

It inspired this prompt/warning: What things do you hold yourself accountable for that you are really not accountable for?

 

Now, what does this mean? When I saw the title of that Teal Swan video, my first reaction was oh crap another part of my shadow I have to face. Well, here we go… but as I watched it I realized that this did not relate to me at all. I sat there confused as hell because I totally expected to have another giant shadow work revelation, and well… it never came.

Then I realized I’d fallen into a classic shadow work trap. As I see it the shadow work trap is 2 fold. It starts with trying to see ourselves in every negative thing so we can get the most healing done the fastest. This leads to creating fake shadows and missing the real shadows. The second part is you get so high on the revelation and freedom that comes from healing the shadow, that when it doesn’t happen you hit a low point and the revelation becomes a shadow. No longer are you doing it for true healing but for the high you get. I realized I was falling right into this trap and I felt like every day had to be a revelation. This has led me to an important breakthrough daily shadow work is not a good thing. This is why I believe this it puts you in a place to have daily revelations and at some point, you start saying the same things over and over again because you haven’t had time to let new stuff work its way up. That being said I am switching this shadow work to once a week. I will still do the daily affirmations and instead each week I am going to pick a topic and spend 6 days learning about it and sharing it with you. Day 7 will be shadow work. Now, this where I really need your feedback. What do you guys want to know about???? Share down below. Starting Monday, I will be looking at the law of attraction and what that really means.

As always, thanks for listening, please comment down below !!!

I love you!

I’m sorry!

Please forgive me!

Thank you!

Love and light Morrigan.

Shadow Work Day 7

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Hello, lovelies!!! I hope today is starting off well. We did it a week of shadow work completed. How is everyone feeling? This journey for me has been a healing but painful one, and we’ve only just begun. Today’s questions are based on a video by the even wonderful Teal Swan it’s called OVERLAY (What Prevents You From Having a Real Relationship) – Teal Swan. Now some of you are probably wondering what overlay is. I really recommend you watch her video as she gives an amazing explanation. Here is a brief explanation. An overlay is an idea we have created in our heads that prevent us from seeing reality. For example, we see our boyfriend or girlfriend as this overprotective, truly dedicated person. Our friends and family see a controlling, obsessive tornado about to tear us down. We have created an overlay of this person because we are so desperate not to be alone and we want someone to love us above all else.

The prompt: Where do you have an overlay in your life? What are the consequences of that? How can you change that?

 

This is a concept I know way too much about. I have spent most of my life living in overlay’s and refusing to face reality. I would cast people in roles and they would inevitably disappoint and the overlay would blow up in flames, so I’d create a new one. Thus the cycle would continue. My consequences were pretty severe. I lost a lot of people and created a lot of mistrust with the people that were left.

Financially I was always at the lowest place I could be and I kept myself there to feed the overlay I had created. Now in truth this something I used to do like the plague. Since becoming more self-aware, I tend to do it less often. There are definitely times I still fall into overlay mode as I like to call it. It usually happens when something is super important to me and I am terrified of it going wrong so I only allow myself to see the picture that works for me.

The difference is now I am more aware of that happening and so I am usually able to catch myself before it goes too far. I also keep people around me who can see where I’m blind.

An overlay is a tricky concept, and painful to move out of. It’s not always bad to have overlay as long as you can still see reality.

My Affirmation for today: My reality is beautiful and exactly what it is supposed to be, for that I am grateful.

 

As always, thanks for listening, feel free to comment down below.

Love and Light Morrigan.

Shadow Work Day 6

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Hello, Lovelies! I hope your day is going well. It’s day 6 of shadow work and today’s question is one I have struggled with for most of my life.

Take a look at the best and most enjoyable part of your life right now… what are your fears in that area?

 

At this point, my whole life is super enjoyable and awesome. With that comes automatic fear. ‘It was all going to go bad, I am going to lose everything and everyone, I don’t deserve this. People are going to see the truth and hate me.’ Some of the basic mantras of my fear, this mantra always causes me to fall into the same cycle, fall into a deep pit of negativity and sure enough, everything goes wrong. I have lived this cycle my whole life. There is a difference this time I finally understand truly how the cycle works. I had created a specific reality with my thoughts which was I live a life of struggle. For that reality to work, I had to make sure there was a struggle. How do I do that? Well, I allow myself to behave in ways that drive people away and financially ruin me. Thus allowing the cycle of struggle to continue. Great so now what… 28 years of reprogramming to correct. How does one even begin that?

The same way I tore myself down I can build myself back up. Telling myself that I don’t live a life of struggle, that this is not who I am. All this pain and suffering is not a normal concept form. I am used to prosperity and goodness. I keep repeating that until it becomes my cycle. I know I make it sound easy and simple, I also know it’s not. If it was I wouldn’t be doing a summer of shadow work. That being said it is doable if your willing to push through.

Now for my daily affirmation: I am beautiful

Intelligent

Kind

Loving

And Authentic

Enough!!!!

 

Thank you all for listening please comment down below!!!

Love and Light Morrigan