Authenticity the Ups and Downs

  

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For months I have been trying to write a blog, and no matter what I do I am stunted, distracted, lost and confused. Writing has been my solace for as long as I can remember–it was the one thing I never fucked up. A running theme in my blog is being okay where you’re at, being okay with imperfections, setting yourself free from past mistakes, and engaging in shadow work.  After completing some shadow work, I found myself thinking I had figured stuff out and had fixed all the issues. Massive eye roll.  I literally did the bare minimum that would change just enough that people could see it on a surface level.  It was such crap, ’cause internally, not a whole heck of a lot had changed. The perpetual mask I wore was shiny and new, and all the old shadows were still hiding underneath. I have always been gifted at making people feel super close to me, like they knew so much about me that no one else knew. I have this ability to make people feel special like that.  My family would laugh because they knew it was a facade. 

    I do not allow people to get close, and never have. I was hurt enough times, so I said “fuck it”, and shut the door to my heart. My daughter is the only person who has ever been able to see the inside of my heart. Scariest thing I have ever encountered. That level of vulnerability was like my own personal hell.  I had to accept that she got the truth because she was a piece of me, but everyone else still gets the mask and that’s it. Don’t ask for anything more. Every time someone started getting too close… bam! out the door I’d go.  I can ghost so fast you wonder if I was ever in your life to begin with.  

 

The last two years has brought opportunities for me to face the worst lessons life could teach me. I was forced to really look at what I was doing and how it was fucking up my life. No one could ever get soul-level close. Even those friends I kept close couldn’t get to my soul.  I have a whole twin flame (side note: platonic thing, soulmates are the romantic ones) who knows me better than any other person on this planet and I wouldn’t open my soul even to her. 

 

In 2019, some huge transformations took place underneath my many masks.  It was uncomfortable, and I hated it, and I rolled with it. Slowly but surely, my life began to shift.  Despite the changes that were happening, I fought tooth and nail to stay the same, to keep myself protected. To keep the shadows hidden. When 2020 rolled around, I went full tilt into the deep end. I moved somewhere new, surrounded by a community of people who accepted me authentically, and would settle for nothing less than the authentic me. I have never wanted to run away from anything more in my life. The discomfort was enough to make me willing to look at my best friend of 12 years and say, “Peace. Never talk to me again, but I can’t do this. It’s killing me.”  I literally felt like I was dying. Many parts of me were dying.  

 

My whole foundation had been shaken to its core and I was using anything I could to stop the changes that were happening. Then I met this incredible woman and she offered me this beautiful gift of shadow work. I thought I had already done shadow work.  I thought I knew what it was. Boy, was I wrong. She pulled things from my soul I hadn’t even admitted were there–the deepest roots of the pain and fear that held me back. I had never been more vulnerable with a person then I was with her. Once it was over, lord did I want to be as far away from her as possible. I was so raw and exposed and that was unacceptable. My ago screamed, I DON’T DO THAT SHIT, PEOPLE DO NOT GET TO SEE THAT SHIT. That was the one rule I carried my whole life, no one gets to see the real me.  If no one sees the real me, no one can hurt me.

    Something had shifted though, a weird sense of peace invaded my body. I felt truly at one with myself. I felt like I could be 100% me even if no one else understood. I stopped understanding how to be this other person I had been. The desire to run was still there, and I was able to accept it, acknowledge it for how it was trying to protect me, and then let it know we were okay so it could rest. 

 

Every day since then has been better and better. Little by little, I am stepping more and more into the power and purpose of who I really am. I am experiencing true freedom. My relationships are deeper and stronger than they have ever been. Doors and windows are blowing open in ways I could have only dreamed. Every day I work at my shadow and the parts that need to heal, allowing my soul to take more and more power. As hard as some moments can be it is so so worth it. 

 

Anyone out there right now struggling with being the real YOU and letting go of the walls and facades you’ve built… please, do it. The transformation will be like nothing else. It’s gonna feel like you are dying, and yes, staying as you are is much easier and feels safer, but the life that waits for you beyond the prison you’ve built for yourself is beyond magic. 

 

Thank you all for reading! 

As always, in Love and Light, 

Morrigan 

 

Why not me?

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Hello lovelies, it’s been awhile since I’ve written anything. I’ve been pretty sick, and caught up with a bunch of other things in life but, hey how are all of you? I’ve missed my blogs. I’m very much an all or nothing type of person, which tends to cause me issues because I can get too wrapped up in things and lose sight of others. For example, I’m embarking on a new phase of life and decided I had to clear everything from my past that was holding me back at one time. That was not smart, I’ve been sick for over a month and have had to rework my goals. I have learned a major lesson though and it’s one I want to share. I lived a good chunk of my life a slave to my past. It was my identity, in the last year I have worked really hard and made massive progress. The woman I am becoming is one badass spiritual powerhouse. That being said, the road has not been smooth by any means and I have had back slide moments. The lesson I learned was why not me? 

    Through this journey I have had experiences and encounters and with every single one I doubted myself. DId i make this up, is it really real, is this just an ego thing? A very dear friend of mine said something to me that didn’t really click for me until recently, why not you? I kinda nodded and said, “yeah yeah okay”, but then a friend of mine completely changed her stance on something, that in a million years, I never thought she would. I stopped and looked at my life and said, “yeah why not me?” Too many times with this spiritual journey we feel we have to be worthy enough to have this deity with us or to do this thing and that is just not true. You are worthy, just by virtue of being you. Your journey is beautiful and unique and will never look like anyone else’s. No matter what it is you want to do or try, go for it. 

Another lovely friend reminded me that everything is for us. When I say that I mean spiritual practice wise. There may be things you feel drawn to more strongly than others but there is no practice you can’t master if you want to. 

So whatever spirit presents you, look at and decide if it is for you and, if so, embrace it. That is another very important lesson, YOU ARE IN CONTROL… This is your journey, no one can tell you what it should or shouldn’t look like, or who you should or shouldn’t work with, that is up to you and your higher self. Just because one deity or guide shows interest in you, does not mean you have to work with them that is your choice. 

Set your boundaries and live by your truth. Yes, there will be set backs and moments of doubt or struggle, see them for the lesson they are and keep going. We all have a purpose in this world and it’s time for us to embrace it and no longer live in the shadow of the past. 

 

Thank you all for listening and I hope this helps some of you!!

Love and Light, Morrigan!!!